To What it May Concern

 
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By Matthew Sanborn Smith © 2005 E-mail the editor about this story

Matthew Sanborn Smith once beat senseless a small child who bit the ear off her teddy bear in his role as co-director of his local chapter of PETFA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Faux Animals). His poem, "Mr. Mellon Puts on his Fingers" was featured in AntiSF #76 and his short story, "Marissa, Marissa," was recently accepted for publication by the Irish speculative fiction magazine, Albedo One.


 

To What it May Concern,

I am writing this letter in response to the reckless manner in which our seventeen ship-cubes of Spreefoam were handled (mishandled!) by the orangutans to whom your customer service personnel generously refer as barnabies. On December the 2nd of this year, our organisation was eagerly awaiting the above mentioned shipment of Spreefoam in as many colours ranging from R to V, when we were waylaid by your "barnabies", verbally assaulted, physically spanked and then generally run roughshod over with three-thousand odd cubic feet of multicoloured packing materials. When the dust cleared, pieces of orange were sitting on a stack of otherwise green! Yellow pellets were found sprinkled among the blue, red, and magenta and my staff has yet to be able to extract a large bar of indigo from the thorax of our number two loading bug.

I am requesting — nay, demanding! — a complete reshipment of our original order, compensation for accrued loss of business and damages to our organic equipment, and finally, the slow but painful deaths of your delivery creatures in a vat of apple vinegar. If you even consider doing otherwise, our Code psyche-systems will see your bottoms on the arbitration field!

Your humble, yet furious servant,

Major Humberg Derrimy Larriot

M.S.P.V., R.O.T.C., and occasional S.O.B.

P.S. Is it too late to add one pallet each of your new shades ultra-red and infraviolet to our order? Our buyer was referring to an outdated catalogue and was unaware of their availability.

 

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