How to Stew an Alien

 
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By Mari Ness © 2006 E-mail the editor about this story

Mari Ness lives in South Florida attempting to satisfy the whims of two dominant cats. Her work has recently appeared in Reflection's Edge <www.reflectionsedge.com>; CafeIrreal <www.cafeirreal.com>; and Susurrus Magazine <www.susurrrusmagazine.com> among others. She keeps a blog at <www.livejournal.com/users/mariness>.


1) Choose your alien species carefully.

While human children have frequently been observed to consume vast amounts of silica in the form of sand, we advise adult humans to avoid the consumption of silica-based lifeforms, as these species types frequently have an adverse effect on human digestion. Also, entities with a strong fondness for sulphur are best avoided as the major meat component of stew, as their aftertaste is generally disdained by even the most discriminating or adventurous gourmands.

Also, note that some species, such as the C'rag!A of the Dogskatch system, may have a sweet delicate flavour when eaten raw, but gain a turpentine flavour when cooked in stew.

Persons on the Adkins or South Beach diets are advised to avoid the F'karthucks of the Dogskatch system, since their flesh is unusually high in carbohydrates.

Chefs unsure of which meat to use should consult Ralph Erickson's The Joy of Aliens: 150 Ways to Consume the Natural Enemies of Humanity. Erickson's book has a helpful listing of alien races and their meats on page 84. True gourmands, however, are advised to avoid his recipes, which unwisely blend French Provincial style with recipes for Mexican fajitas. Also, Erickson has no recipe for stew.

2) Choose your vegetables.

Carrots and potatoes generally go well with most alien meats, although a chemical found in the muscles of the Drykar race tends to turn carrots purple. Should your guests ask, advise them that this change is harmless and has been done purely for aesthetic purposes. Be sure to have large supplies of your preferred antacid treatment on hand. Do not, under any consideration, use broccoli. Although tender pieces of broccoli cooked with a Béarnaise sauce can form a delightful accompaniment to grilled alien, broccoli is just awful in stew.

3) Braise the meat and tenderize carefully before placing it in the stew.

While some alien meats, including the liver of the Verterx race, will remain moist under virtually any conditions, most alien meats must be carefully prepared to retain their moisture and flavour during stew cooking. Olive oil often works well; remember, use only Extra Virgin Olive Oil, and for the sake of your guest's health, use olive oils enriched with Vitamin E.

Cook the stew for at least six hours. Slow cooking enhances the alien flavour, and makes even the Flygrout race a gourmand's delight.

4) Consider your guest list.

Some of your guests may be tantalized and charmed by the presence of Quatar claws in their stews, feeling (correctly) that the claws give an exotic glamour to the meal. Less sophisticated guests, however, will want all of the meat to look like chicken. Cut your alien meats accordingly.

5) Choose your wine.

Forgo the temptation to serve a light Chardonnay out of respect for your guests' delicate palates. This is stew. Your only option is a full-bodied Burgundy. And for after dinner drinks, avoid any alcohol with even the hint of green colouring. It's simply disrespectful.

 

 

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